It's Been A While...

So I realized sometime last week that...
a.) I had a blog, and
b.) I haven't written in it in a long time
I went to try and log back on to write again, and I couldn't find it. So I created a new one and put entries in it. Then, all of a sudden, this blog returned! Oh the lovely internet, how you like to play tricks on me lol. I'll import my other entries sometime....

Let's see, what has happened since my last entry:
1.) Brandon and I got back together...why, I don't know....and it ended just as bad as it always has.
2.) My grandfather died.
3.) I joined SWAT (Students With A Testimony)
4.) Football season
5.) Basketball season
6.) Christmas
...and that's about it. I think....

I was looking back on my past entry where it talked about the guy I had a crush on. Well, it's still there. We actually had a conversation on Facebook that lasted a couple of days, but it ended. He does talk to me everytime we see each other, so that's really nice. I always wonder if something could happen between us, but only God knows that answer. If not, then I have to realize that something is far better out there, He's just not revealing it to me yet.

Mr. Rick talked about being satisfied in God and God alone & how we have to be patient for God's timing. Wow, that's definitely been my prayer for the past several months! It was so good to hear it from someone else and not just from my heart. It gave me a reasurance that it is something that everyone struggles with, not just me. Having patience right now has been sooo hard. I've never struggled with it like I am now. Even in high school, it wasn't this hard. God is definitely using this time to stretch me and show me how much I really do need Him for guidance. Obviously, I don't have a good choice in guys. I definitely need all the help I can get in that department lol. And who's better to choose my future than the One who created my future? I can't imagine a dating service being better than that. It's just the constant reminders I have to give myself of 'that is what I want' wears down my patience, I guess. I know, one day, it'll all be worth it. It's the uphill climb to get there that hasn't been as much fun as I thought it would be.

Kellie Picker's #1 Fan

Today I met with Kara at Starbucks. It was so nice to catch up with her! I think we ended up talking for a lil over an hour about everything under the sun. I have really missed her. It was sooo nice to actually talk to someone my own age for a change lol.

I am officially obsessed with the new Kellie Pickler CD! I have listened to it in my car pretty much non-stop since I got it...Sunday night, I believe. It's such a good 'frustration' CD since 3 songs perfectly apply to my current situation, especially "Best Days of Your Life." It's a wonderful song to roll down and blare out the windows. I am finding it easier and easier to let go of him as the days go on. I'm really not that concerned with making him jealous (well, not AS concerned) anymore. I'm so much happier without him, even though the times we had together we great. It's not worth the pain, heartache, and guilt that I felt. Yeah, I felt guilty for going out with him, even though I did truly love him. In the back of my mind I knew this wasn't right, but I went with it anyways. I don't regret going out with him at all because I've learned so much, but I was only trying to fool myself thinking it would actually work. He wasn't ready and I wasn't ready.

Impact is in TEN DAYS!!! I'm so pumped! I just wish I knew which color I was so I could go ahead and buy the stuff. I'm sooooo excited! I think I'm more encouraged and challenged as a Team Leader than I was as a student there. It's such an amazing week, I wish it lasted longer than just 5 days though! That part is quite depressing :(

God, thank you for the time I got to spend with Kara. Thank you for placing her in my life just when I need someone to talk to. Help me to keep thinking less about Brandon and more about You. Amen.

Fate...or just a coincidence?

So it's been a little bit easier today get over everything. He's not on my mind near as much, but the temptation to make him regret everything is still there. I think that'll die down as the weeks go on since I won't have an opportunity to possibly see him until next Friday at the races. It's still hard to grip the fact that he thinks it's my fault, but what can you expect from a boy where the world revolves around him?

Last night, Mom, Haley and I decided to get dinner out after dance. We were going to go to McDonald's, but Haley groaned when we said that, so we decided on Arby's. When we got to Arby's, I saw the sign for Zaxby's and suggested we go there and they agreed...

Now before I write what happens next, it's important for me to mention something. Since I broke up with Brandon, there has been this someone in particular who has been on my mind. I had a crush on him all the way through high school, but it kinda dwindled after he graduated and I didn't see much of him. Well, all that changed when I saw him at 'Drive Fore! Show, Rock Fore! Dough' concert in April. Even though I was with Brandon and we were dating, I realized once again why I liked this guy so much. I brushed it off though since I thought I was dating the boy I would marry. Yeah, definitely wrong about that one! Since we broke up, I've thought about this guy A LOT and how I would love just to have one date with him. Now that I've given you the background, let me finish my story...

...So we pull into the Zaxby's parking lot, walk in the building, then I look over at the booths. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was him! This guy that I said I would do anything just to have one date with is here at Zaxby's the EXACT same night I am! We were supposed to go to McDonald's, but Haley groaned so we didn't. We were supposed to go to Arby's, but I saw Zaxby's and we decided to go there instead. 3 different places, and we decided on the one he just so happened to be at. Is it fate....or just a coincidence?

I play it off like I don't see him 'cause I'm not the type of person to walk up to you and speak unless you're a relative or one of my closest friends. So I'm waiting in line, then all of a sudden someone's hands cover my eyes. I was SO hopin' it was his, but it was actually my prom date from junior year, Mark. I said hey and then we hugged, then I looked to my left and who do I see beside Mark? The guy!! He's there!! He walked over and gave me a hug and said 'it's been a while.' I said, 'it sure has been,' then we talked for a few seconds. I was in heaven. I have always said he is the hottest guy that ever walked through the doors at Harlem High, and here he is: went out of his way to come and talk to me. Is it fate...or just a coincidence?

He didn't say bye before he left like I was hopin' he would, but that's okay. He hasn't said anything on Facebook like I was hopin' he would, but that's okay. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. But boy, what I wouldn't do for just one date with him. Just one...

God, Your Will is perfect, but if You could include him in Your Will, I would greatly appreciate it. If not, then I know there's someone even better that You have for me. Your Will be done. Amen.

The Other Side of Me

Why can't I get him off my mind? I can't stand the joker, yet I'm constantly thinking of him...and not in a way I expected. I'm not attracted to him at all, don't get me wrong, but I'm constantly thinking of ways to make him realize what he lost. I know that's not the way I should view this, but I do. I guess I'm a lot more hurt than I thought. I thought that once he said he didn't want me anymore, that that would be the end of it and I could move on. But it's not. I want to make him regret those words. I want to rub in his face that I'm gone and there's nothing he could say or do to change that. That's terrible! I've never been like this before: I've never desired to hurt someone, but I want to hurt him. Not physically, but I want him just to have a small taste of the hurt he brought me.

Do you know what the boy had the nerve to say? That the most hurtful words he heard coming out of my mouth was that I would never watch him race again and that I wouldn't take him back. No mention of the times I told him he's hurt me worse than anyone ever has, or that my heart is crushed into a million pieces that can't be completely put back together. No, its that I won't watch him race or take him back. And I was ready to marry this boy? (I'm not calling him a man anymore 'cause he hasn't matured enough to be called one yet). It's still all about him. It will always be all about him. He won't change. I pity the poor girl who tries to, 'cause just like me, she will fail. Only God can, and I have finally realized that.

Even though I've NEVER felt pain like this, I'm so glad this happened. It did two things for me:
1.) It helped me see that I am nothing without God. I need Him 24/7/365. I can't go a day without seeking Him like I have been for the past 2 months. Following His plan might cause some pain in the beginning, but it'll save me from a lot more pain in the end.

and

2.) I now know how I am NOT supposed to be treated in a relationship. He was my first boyfriend so I thought that maybe this is how it's supposed to go. I realize now that is so wrong. I deserve to be treated better than that. I believe, though, that I will appreciate the man who does come along and treats me right a lot more than if I hadn't have gone through this.

I'm so ready for Impact. I hope and pray that it will help me get my life back on track with my focus on Christ alone and that I will be able to put this completely behind me and move on.

God, I need Your help. I can't do this on my own. I need you to take over once again. Amen.

Undo

So yeah...these past couple of days have been interesting...actually more like months if you want to get technical with it. I have realized more about myself and where I stand in life in this short amount of time than I ever have before. It's amazing how much you see when you think you have life figured out then it's snatched away in a blink of an eye. I thought I had this whole thing under control. I thought I knew my future. Ha, I was wrong! I went from being in love and certain that this was my life to going back to square one. When you ask God to work HIS will, you better be ready for your world to be rocked!

It's amazing how a simple prayer changed my entire life. Just 5 simple words that destroyed what I thought was my future: 'God, Your Will be done.' That's it. Of course, I threw in some other words to go along with it, but that was the core. That was the focus. Boy, did God reveal His will for me, and it definitely wasn't for me to be with my now ex-boyfriend! It was like I ran into a brick wall and my life was evaluated. God obviously did not like what he saw cause He sure changed things up! & I've never been more thankful for anything, besides the fact that He desired for me to have a relationship with Him to begin with. It hurt like crazy, and at times I wasn't sure if I could do it, but God pulled me through that as well. I could have cared less about him in the past couple of months, and yet He is STILL faithful. I shunned His name and brought Him shame, and yet He STILL came to my rescue. I pretty much put my middle finger in His face and He STILL calls me His child. GOD IS AMAZING! Why I thought I would want someone other than Him is beyond me. Why I thought I could replace Him with someone He didn't have for me, I don't think I'll ever understand. But I did. And I'm so sorry.

I'm often reminded of the song "Undo" by Rush of Fools. I think they wrote that song for me, seriously. It describes me PERFECTLY. It seems like I'm constantly turning from Him, then running back. It seems like I'm constantly asking for His forgiveness, making promises I know I'll break. I deserve those labels, harsher ones really. I need Him to undo what I've become quite often. The most amazing part about the whole song though, and I don't even think it's really mentioned but only implied, is that He takes me back every time. He forgives me every time. He undoes what I have become. EVERY TIME. Not just every now and then, EVERY TIME. How can I not serve this God? How can I not fall at His feet in worship? How can I not cry because of the mercy and grace He has shown me again and again and again. It should have ended, but it hasn't. It's still pouring.

Different people often entered my mind the whole time I was in this relationship. I kept thinking, "if they only knew, they would be so disappointed in me. They would probably think I was a hypocrite and stop seeing me as a woman who was in love with God." I feel so ashamed now that I couldn't see that as signs to get out, that this wasn't right. I ignored them. And now look at where I'm at, left with nothing but hurt, anger, and a broken heart. It wasn't worth it. Not at all. I fell in love with a boy who was devoted to himself instead of falling in love with The One who gave himself for me. I replaced The One who paid it all with the one who paid nothing. I was stupid.

God, I desire You and only You. Help me to fall back in love with You. Satisfy me. Amen.