Why can't I get him off my mind? I can't stand the joker, yet I'm constantly thinking of him...and not in a way I expected. I'm not attracted to him at all, don't get me wrong, but I'm constantly thinking of ways to make him realize what he lost. I know that's not the way I should view this, but I do. I guess I'm a lot more hurt than I thought. I thought that once he said he didn't want me anymore, that that would be the end of it and I could move on. But it's not. I want to make him regret those words. I want to rub in his face that I'm gone and there's nothing he could say or do to change that. That's terrible! I've never been like this before: I've never desired to hurt someone, but I want to hurt him. Not physically, but I want him just to have a small taste of the hurt he brought me.
Do you know what the boy had the nerve to say? That the most hurtful words he heard coming out of my mouth was that I would never watch him race again and that I wouldn't take him back. No mention of the times I told him he's hurt me worse than anyone ever has, or that my heart is crushed into a million pieces that can't be completely put back together. No, its that I won't watch him race or take him back. And I was ready to marry this boy? (I'm not calling him a man anymore 'cause he hasn't matured enough to be called one yet). It's still all about him. It will always be all about him. He won't change. I pity the poor girl who tries to, 'cause just like me, she will fail. Only God can, and I have finally realized that.
Even though I've NEVER felt pain like this, I'm so glad this happened. It did two things for me:
1.) It helped me see that I am nothing without God. I need Him 24/7/365. I can't go a day without seeking Him like I have been for the past 2 months. Following His plan might cause some pain in the beginning, but it'll save me from a lot more pain in the end.
and
2.) I now know how I am NOT supposed to be treated in a relationship. He was my first boyfriend so I thought that maybe this is how it's supposed to go. I realize now that is so wrong. I deserve to be treated better than that. I believe, though, that I will appreciate the man who does come along and treats me right a lot more than if I hadn't have gone through this.
I'm so ready for Impact. I hope and pray that it will help me get my life back on track with my focus on Christ alone and that I will be able to put this completely behind me and move on.
God, I need Your help. I can't do this on my own. I need you to take over once again. Amen.
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