Undo

So yeah...these past couple of days have been interesting...actually more like months if you want to get technical with it. I have realized more about myself and where I stand in life in this short amount of time than I ever have before. It's amazing how much you see when you think you have life figured out then it's snatched away in a blink of an eye. I thought I had this whole thing under control. I thought I knew my future. Ha, I was wrong! I went from being in love and certain that this was my life to going back to square one. When you ask God to work HIS will, you better be ready for your world to be rocked!

It's amazing how a simple prayer changed my entire life. Just 5 simple words that destroyed what I thought was my future: 'God, Your Will be done.' That's it. Of course, I threw in some other words to go along with it, but that was the core. That was the focus. Boy, did God reveal His will for me, and it definitely wasn't for me to be with my now ex-boyfriend! It was like I ran into a brick wall and my life was evaluated. God obviously did not like what he saw cause He sure changed things up! & I've never been more thankful for anything, besides the fact that He desired for me to have a relationship with Him to begin with. It hurt like crazy, and at times I wasn't sure if I could do it, but God pulled me through that as well. I could have cared less about him in the past couple of months, and yet He is STILL faithful. I shunned His name and brought Him shame, and yet He STILL came to my rescue. I pretty much put my middle finger in His face and He STILL calls me His child. GOD IS AMAZING! Why I thought I would want someone other than Him is beyond me. Why I thought I could replace Him with someone He didn't have for me, I don't think I'll ever understand. But I did. And I'm so sorry.

I'm often reminded of the song "Undo" by Rush of Fools. I think they wrote that song for me, seriously. It describes me PERFECTLY. It seems like I'm constantly turning from Him, then running back. It seems like I'm constantly asking for His forgiveness, making promises I know I'll break. I deserve those labels, harsher ones really. I need Him to undo what I've become quite often. The most amazing part about the whole song though, and I don't even think it's really mentioned but only implied, is that He takes me back every time. He forgives me every time. He undoes what I have become. EVERY TIME. Not just every now and then, EVERY TIME. How can I not serve this God? How can I not fall at His feet in worship? How can I not cry because of the mercy and grace He has shown me again and again and again. It should have ended, but it hasn't. It's still pouring.

Different people often entered my mind the whole time I was in this relationship. I kept thinking, "if they only knew, they would be so disappointed in me. They would probably think I was a hypocrite and stop seeing me as a woman who was in love with God." I feel so ashamed now that I couldn't see that as signs to get out, that this wasn't right. I ignored them. And now look at where I'm at, left with nothing but hurt, anger, and a broken heart. It wasn't worth it. Not at all. I fell in love with a boy who was devoted to himself instead of falling in love with The One who gave himself for me. I replaced The One who paid it all with the one who paid nothing. I was stupid.

God, I desire You and only You. Help me to fall back in love with You. Satisfy me. Amen.